Thursday 6?th May: Nervous

Salome's autopsy results are back and we are meeting with our GP tomorrow to discuss them. I am nervous. No matter what the results are, I will find a way to feel guilty about it. I remember having this exchange with Matt about 8 weeks ago:

ME: So much is uncertain, but there is one thing I am certain of. I am 100% sure
that it was my fault Salome died.

MATT: How can you know that when we
don't even know why she died yet?

ME: I'll admit I'm sketchy on the
details, but when the autopsy results come back I'll be able to fill in the
gaps.

One day I'll write something about feeling guilty vs feeling powerless, and how for me it's a toss up which one is worse. A shitty part of this grief experience is facing up to how precarious human life is. Living within that reality of everyday risks is hard, particularly with 2 other daughters busily risking their lives every day doing their thing. I must say though, generally my levels of anxiety about the girl's safety have improved a lot over the last month. It's nowhere near the issue that it was.

Today is a bad day for me. X caught me crying this morning before school, and she has a zero tolerance policy for that, so then she was crying. The weather here is gorgeous, so I am spending time today sitting my bald head in the sun, trying to rest, and being winded by sporadic waves of anger at the universe.

Let's name the elephant in the room shall we? That frigging hideous ordeal ahead on Sunday. I can't even face writing my own mother a card. I can't skip mothers day because X and K are already excited about what they have made / bought for me. I have to do the first hour of receiving gifts, for X and K's sake, but maybe I'll spend the rest of the day playing Nick Cave and eating comfort foods and avoiding people.