Here is the soundtrack to this post to listen to as you read:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVoPG9HtYF8&feature=related
Let's start with some trivia about us: we have a mirrored ceiling our bedroom. For those of you who didn't already know that I can assure you we didn't have it installed, it was already here when we got the house. They aren't the easiest thing to remove and it's not high on our list of things to do.
Now let me tell you about last week. On Monday my friend (let's call her Lisa) had a beautiful baby girl. This is the first cab off the ranks for us in terms of close friends having a baby since Salome died. Lisa had her baby at the same hospital as Salome and with the same Obstetrician as us. Lisa and her husband also already had 2 daughters at home about the same ages as ours. The birth of Lisa's baby had a bigger emotional impact on me than I thought it would. There's a whole other blogpost in that, but that's for another day.
Tuesday was a hard day for me emotionally, seeing my GP and then seeing my counsellor. Also seeing X and K's emotional response to the birth of Lisa's baby. I wasn't the only one whose grief got kicked off. By the end of the day I was saying to myself 'I can't do this any more. I can't keep managing my own grief and other people's too. I want a day off from being so mature and well-balanced about this situation."
Wedn morning I was woken at 5.10 by a pain in my back that was literally breath-taking. I had damaged my back somehow by rolling from my side onto my back in bed while asleep. We called GP Access and they said because I had a chest infection and had been coughing a lot I would need to checked out for a possible broken rib so they directed me to A and E (seems to me that's always how they story ends with GP access). Matt and I stuffed around for 45 mins trying to get me more comfortable, but he could do nothing that helped and the pain was increasing. So we called an ambulance as GP Access suggested. Then I was worried that X or K might wake up to find Mummy being taken to the hospital in an ambo. Thank goodness neither of them woke up.
Enter stage left 2 lovely young male ambos on the tail end of a night shift. "Ullo ullo what have we here?" say they. "I hurt my back just by rolling over in my sleep. Dunno how it happened. Hurts like the blazers." "Right. In your sleep was it?" they ask, straight faced, completely professional. I'm sure they get that sort of thing all the time.
Then they saw the mirrored ceiling. They still maintained professional vibe. Is anyone familiar with the pain relief apparatus called the green whistle? It's like nitrous oxide, but a milder dose in the form of a 20 cm long green stick. They activate it and hand it to you for you to suck on and it lasts for 45 mins. Fantastic. Once I had that they could roll me over and get me to sitting position, and I could go to the toilet and get dressed. But it also made me disinhibited, and I started telling the ambos about the bracket on the wall we removed which was for the video camera to be aimed at the bed (It's TRUE). One of them was a little shaken by still composed. Out we go on the stretcher to the ambulance. By then it's 6.30 am and my neighbour is off to work. "What have you done to yourself?" she asks once she saw I was conscious and smiling. "I've done my back in in my sleep". "In your sleep. Right. Bloody mirrored ceiling, aye?" She laughed and I laughed but then howled because laughing hurt (still does).
Off we go to the A and E at the Mater (hospital about 700 m from our house). I'm sucking on my green whistle for all I'm worth and I'm fairly disinhibited by then, so I start telling one of the ambos "Our daughter died 20 weeks ago. I might get a bit anxious being in an A and E.... I must say though this green whistle is chilling me out enormously." I tried to say 'enormously' but it didn't come out correctly. That was the only time these young blokes lost their composure: when I told them our daughter had died 20 weeks ago. "That's bloody awful " said one."I am really sorry to hear that". It was very sweet.
I have to say I had yet another positive experience in a NSW public hospital. I don't know whether making comments about Salome's death to the ambo had any impact, but I got a really good service at the Mater. I was seen quickly and given lots more drugs before being examined. One of the drugs, endone, they described to me as 'morphine in a pill'. I liked that one. How ironic, I thought. I had been worried about how I would emotionally go with being in an A and E, and here I am now feeling more not-anxious than I have for weeks. My handy hint for bereaved parents who are anxious about having to take another child to an A and E: fake an injury yourself and get yourself a green whistle or even better some endone. It works a treat.
I was discharged home with endone by 10 am. So in the end I did get my day off from feeling like I needed to manage myself to be emotionally neat and tidy, aided by 'morphine in a pill' which sent me into outer space but also made me nauseas. I had a lot of pain on Wedn and a fair amount on Thursday. By Friday I didn't need any painkillers and I was saying "I can't believe how bad my back felt on Wedn morning compared to how fine it is now". So Saturday morning I went to the gym.
I know, I know, in retrospect it was not the right thing to do. Going to the gym felt fine, but after the gym I bought the morning papers and holding them in a shopping bag really hurt. Who knows why, the knee bone is connected to the thighbone as they say. Sunday I was back in a lot of pain again, and today is just as bad. I am organising myself to go to a physio ad I am not going back to the gym for at least a week. My back frigging hurts.
But that will pass. My sadness and heartbreak will also pass. By far and away the most important thing that happened in this week was that my friend had a beautiful baby girl, and Mum and Bub are in good health. Congratulations to her and her family, and welcome to their new little Princess. Every baby is a blessing. Of all the people in Lisa's social circle, perhaps I am the most relieved at her baby's safe arrival. Maybe there is no-one happier for Lisa and her little family than Matt and I.
On a lesser note, I have finally got a job. Here's a happy song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4jBip3dc2Y
It's a big relief. I didn't make it to interview for the job working in the kitchens at the Mater, or for the job as a podiatry assistant with the diabetes foot care team. Good thing these people are prepared to give me a go as a Project Officer / dogsbody:
http://www.mindframe-media.info/
It's mental health work without the client contact which is just what I was after. I start on Thursday if my back doesn't prevent me.
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