I went for coffee with my parent's group on Wedn night. I lasted about 90 mins, which is more than I thought I would. It was like going out in fancy dress, leaving the grieving parent persona behind, and having a laugh. I wasn't faking being OK. I don't fake how I am feeling. I honestly feel happier when I am around people, but it only last for so long, and the grieving parent persona comes rolling back in like the tide. The next day I felt really drained.
I saw my counsellor Jane yesterday, and we had a conversation like this:
Jane: I'd like you to take a moment to connect with how your body is feeling.
Me: I don't think that's wise. It won't be good news.
Jane: Do it anyway.
Me: Alright then...... Oh....... Oh dear....... I feel exhausted.
30 mins later it was hard to stand up to leave her office. That's what comes of dismantling functional defence mechanisms! My body numbness had been working fine for me. Jane has the loveliest, gentlest ways of telling me to pull my head in. She told me that I need to have more respect for how the grief is affecting me physically, and that I need to start resting during the day. She told me that for the next 3 months, it is OK to avoid stories of sick babies and children or the death of infants. She suggested I be more conscious of what I am looking at on the net, and I should question whether 'babylost mamma' related sites are going to be helpful, or whether they are just going to pile more stories of dead babies into my head.
So this weekend, I'll be asking Matt to organise us some time to ourselves. I will cancel some social engagements and rent some good DVDs instead. I need to rest, or else I think this pesky sore throat and cough will become an illness. Matt has very little voice still after over a week of being sick.
Happy Earth Hour.
Bless Jane and her gentle wisdom.
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