Thurs 4th March: Good weather for crying

If you are looking for a reason to cry, have a look at this booklet:

www.sidsandkids.org/documents/Alwaysyourchild.pdf

I've just been reading this and crying. I'm glad it's not as humid now and the temp has dropped. Crying is not as physically uncomfortable as it was a few weeks ago.

It's been a hard few days, including the following:

• Trip to shopping mall with Xanthe. We got seperated, and I came as close as I've ever come to a panic attack. All ended OK, although X didn't like seeing me like that, and it took a while for me to calm down enough to drive the car home.
• Appointment with Obstetrician: We spent an hour with our Obst on Monday night. Just being back in her office was upsetting. I am taking in more of what she is saying to us about what happened to Salome, and that's not easy. We talked about grief, about my health, about the future, and about the curse of clarity with hindsight. I didn't realise until then that our Obst also has a reasonable slog of experience in neonatal care.
• K's swimming lesson: I thought I'd channel my anxiety about the girl's safety into something useful and get K into long-overdue swimming lessons. She didn't want to go. She cried, howled, sobbed and screamed for all but the last 5 mins of the lesson. Well-meaning staff and parents came to sit with me and say "It's always awful when they do this. She'll get used to it. I remember when we first bought our little boy here and he screamed the place down... etc etc". I felt like shouting "You don't understand. My other daughter JUST DIED!!!!" At present, I have no tolerance for watching a daughter being distressed and not being able to get to her or comfort her. The only reason I will be taking K back next week and forcing her in is that I think it's not safe to have kids in Newie who can't swim. The social life here is really beach / pool focused. The girls need to be able to swim.
• Back to play group yesterday: This was my first time back since Salome died. Lovely people, but a lot of new people, and I don't like meeting new people at the moment. I'd give myself about 2 /10 for chit chat skills. Of course there were babies there too. I was going OK until we had group time at the end and did a rousing rendition of 'Miss Polly had a Dolly'. But as I said to the staff member who I talked to after the event, if I can't anticipate what my triggers are going to be for what's going to upset me, how can anyone else be expected to anticipate that? The triggers for me getting upset could be seeing pregnant women or small babies, and I can't avoid those triggers unless I don't leave the house. If I get upset at playgroup, all that's going to happen is that I will cry, and I am OK with that. I don't want people to feel they have to guess what will upset me. If I get upset, I get upset.

This morning there has been a lot of tears. A lot. I am burning a candle to remind me that Salome is with me in one way, but a burning candle is no substitute for a baby.

Here is something that makes me laugh though. Billy Connolly live in New York in 2005, and his comments on opera, which I agree with.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccwD85Er3co&feature=related