Thursday 11th March

This week is very different and harder. Not as much variance in emotional state, not as much tears, and no relief from crying, more physical shut-down going on. Difficulty with word finding, difficulty with executive functioning (planning, initiating tasks particularly, abstract or creative stuff like writing this fucking thing, it's taking me ages). Problems later in the day with moving my jaw (no injury or pain) and problems with my vision. By the end of the day, have very flat affect, and can make my face look 'normal' but only with much effort. No normal spontaneous animation of the face after about 5 pm. More aches and pains (not birth related), no seretonin left I guess? What do you think Liz? Less appetite, but still eating. There is a tiny part of me that despite everything is happy not to be nasueas.

Emotionally, a sense of vastness, barrenness, cold, aloneness. I think the best word would be anguish. More unpleasant thoughts about what is happening to Salome's body now, and anger at my own body for betraying me so badly and not protecting my baby. Sleep is OK, but more bad dreams. Less capacity for keeping a lid on my anxiety about girl's safety and reign in my protective behaviour about that.

I told counsellor Jane all this yesterday, and she said 'Welcome to week 6." My paraphrase on what she said:

• week 6 to 12 will probably be the worst weeks of your life (I would have find that hard to believe after the 6 weeks we have just had, had I not been experiencing it now).
• listen to your body. Jaw being difficult to move may simply mean stop talking so much.
• in terms of normal expectations you or others place on you, all bets are off. Keep plodding, but expect no more than plodding. Priority is staying connected to Matt and girls, and maintain basic routines for girls.

So starting to make less phone calls, because I can only do so much talking, and there needs to be fuel in the tank when the girls and Matt get home. I'll be doing more emailing and texting.

We're outsourcing a lot of stuff. Getting a cleaner to come for a while, starting today. Getting my eyes checked next week.

Later when I am doing better i will write about K's astounding performance at swimming yesterday. In short, she smashed it. She did everything all the other kids did, jumping in getting her face wet, learning to swim laps with a kickboard, no crying, the bravest girl in the whole world. I was soooo proud of her. She blew me away. I'm calling her 'Ego of Steel' for a while. Very inspiring.

Just to clarify I don't want anyone reading this to be worried about me. Here are some reasons not to be worried, and why I am not worried about me:

• I feel awful, but I don't feel overwhelmed.
• I have heaps of support and I am using it when I need to. When I want company I go get it, when I want to talk I make a phone call.
• I am confident I will not be feeling like this by mid May. I won't feel great by mid May but I won't feel like this. I am not depressed, I am grieving.
• I laughed at K in the pool yesterday and I felt happy.
• I can always move the muscles in my face when I want to. It's not like I am verging on catatonic or anything.

So don't worry.