Thursday 18th March: Our first diorama

Last night Matt and I went to a support group run by SIDS and Kids for bereaved parents. They run a range of groups, and this one was for parents whose child died after birth, from something such as SIDS or in our case meconian aspiration syndrome. Last night it was us and another couple and the facilitator. The other couple's baby was born a few days before Salome, and was also a girl and their third child. All was well, they took her home, and when she was almost 5 weeks old she died of SIDS.

SIDS is a bastard of a thing, isn't it. It's as if that form of death was specifically designed to do the heads in of the poor parents who are left behind. She was fine, and then a few hours later she is very obviously dead, lying in her cot. It's so sudden, it's inexplicable, it's a different flavour of ghastly to Salome's death.

I remember when a friend of mine started going to support groups as she was coming to terms with her sexuality, she used to call the group 'Come Out Kids'. The best name I can come up with for last night's SIDS and Kids group is 'The Newcastle Chapter of Parents Surviving a Baby-Related Catastrofuck", but I think it needs tweeking. Catastrofuck is a word I've heard Billy Connolly use. I have sworn a lot since Salome died, and it frustrates me that there are no words in our language that capture the gravity of the situation or the depth of the loss I feel. All I am left with is "it's totally fucked" or "it's shithouse". For the moment, I'll try 'It's a catastrofuck". All comments or suggestions for alternatives would be appreciated.

In other news,

• It's little Hayely's funeral tomorrow arvo. I won't say I'll be praying for them, because that would involve being in communication with God who i am still incommunicardo with, but I will be thinking of them and probably wanting to throw up when I think about what they are going through.


• Matt is still home sick and not getting better.


• The tree out the front of our house is very dead. I don't mind it now it's dead. It feels right to have a baby dead thing out the front of our house. It's like our house has a black armband on. Our friends are sourcing us another tree of the same type, and we have found a place to plant it out the back.


• I went to the optomotrist, and he explained why it is that grief and stress can produce eye problems exactly like what I've been experiencing. Apparently people often get these kind of visual problems also when they are adjusting their dose of SSRI antidepressants (bloody seretonin). I'm following his advice and I am having a lot less difficulty with my vision.


• X and I produced our first school diorama this week depicting a living thing and it's basics needs for survival, and we did a superb job, as can be seen from the photo up the top of this post. Obviously we don't need to tell you what it is, but if you'd like to marvel at the accuracy of our depiction, you can refer to this:

www.tolweb.org/Eudyptula_minor/57252