Monday 1st March: At home alone

Monday morning, I'm at home alone and doing OK so far. In fact, I think I am starting to need this time alone, or else I find myself trying to dodge the grief by keeping busy. Matt worked a full week last week and expects to do it again this week. I don't know how he is doing that, he is amazing. I can spend up to 2 hours a day with people before I really need a break.

K's party went well, and spending the money on a kiddie entertainer was worth it. However, there was a distinct baby-shaped hole in the event, and I felt Salome's absence very sharply. K has been talking about that party for about 6 months, and I always wondered how we would run a good party for her with a brand new baby in our lives. As it was, the party was distressingly easy to pull together and I was unfortunately able to chat with people and move around all morning, unencumbered by breast feeding or settling Salome. I lit a candle and kept it on the food table for the duration, to remind me that Salome was present in her own way, and to acknowledge her still being in our family and in our hearts.

I did enjoy the party though. I do feel good being around people when I am around them. I try not to fake how I am feeling, and if I am feeling shit I just leave. This blog probably doesn't give and accurate portrayal of what life is like for me hour to hour. It's not like I am overwhelmed or crying most of the time. Some days there are hardly any tears at all. Sometimes I can go for big blocks of time when I don't think about Salome (having the activity and structure of having K and X around is good for that). Sometimes I feel OK for hours. Last night I started watching 'You Don't Mess With the Zohan" and was laughing my head off. Other times I feel empty, other times anxious. One of my favourite quotes from CS Lewis' "A Grief Observed" is "No-one ever told me grief feels so much like fear", and I really get that now. Other times I feel a huge sadness, and I just ache for Salome. I'm learning that there is a huge range of things I can do while crying. I can clean a bathroom, walk to the shops, dress the kids, and pack lunches while crying. Certainly can write a blog while crying, no problems.

Mum left yesterday. I was nervous about her leaving, but if she'd stayed longer I would have been even more nervous about her leaving, so the timing was good. She has done a huge amount over the last week to keep the household functioning and to settle the girls. We've all missed her since she left. X has been a been worried over the last few days about whether she might get sick and die too, and she is monitoring her own body and getting a bit freaked out by normal physiological stuff. We have decided to give her a break from the kiddie books we have about death and dying. K told me today she wanted a short day at childcare because she doesn't like being away from her sister so long and she misses Nanni today. No problems. K's birthday party has been a positive distraction for both X and K over the last few weeks, so it's not suprising they are feeling flat after it. Matt's going to laugh when he reads that last sentence and say "Yeah right it was a distraction for The GIRLS and it's THE GIRLS who feel a bit flat now that's it's over..." But I don't feel flat because I am already planning my set list for Woolstock in a few weeks.

Matt also shakes his head in disbelief when he finds me looking at caskets and coffins on the net. Each to their own in this shitty quagmire of grief, I say. Here's a good Australian site about eco friendly coffins and funerals:

www.onearth.com.au

I was also talking to a few people on the weekend about the Order of the Eastern Star. Here is the wikipedia entry site:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Order_of_the_Eastern_Star

I have read it several times I am still none the wiser. What a facsinating organisation.

Thank you all for your support. I am still not getting around to returning all the texts, phone calls, and emails but it does really help to receive them.