Fuckety fuckety fuck fuck FUCK!!!! IT'S FUCKED! I had a moment of stepping back from the immediate concerns today and realising how fucked it all is. Everything to do with this 'my daughter has died' situation is soooooooo fucked. FUCKED I TELL YOU! FUUUUUUUUUCKED!!
The awful feeling I get first thing in the morning when I wake and remember Salome is dead is fucked. The anxious /dread feeling I then get as it gets closer to 6.55 am (the time of day she was declared dead, when I half want the moment to pass because it is awful coming up to it but then i don't want it to pass because then I am one more day away from seeing her gorgeous little face) is fucked. Seeing Matt so distressed and exhausted is fucked. Hearing X reassure me that "Salome is still in bed in heaven and she hasn't got up yet, but when she does Nanna or someone else will breastfeed her" is fucked. Having K sit on my lap and poke my still-swollen tummy and say "Are you sure our baby isn't still in there?" is fucked...... I could go on, as you could imagine. A litany of fuckedness.
Meanwhile it is K's birthday next Wednesday, and we need to make it a celebration for all of us. Today I will look at hiring people to attend. I can find clowns for hire, I can find magicians for hire, even reptiles, but nowhere can I find balanced happy parental figures for hire. I think I'll go with the reptiles.
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Yep.
ReplyDeleteMe, too, I'd go with the reptiles. Cold blooded is good.
ReplyDeleteSometimes we can't do balanced, happy parental figures. Anyone can be balanced and happy - but only you and Matt can be their real, loving parents, and its obvious how much you are loved and appreciated by your children and by us.