Monday 22nd Feb

We had a night off on Friday night. X and K had a sleep-over at the house of some very generous friends, and Matt and I went to a hotel.

Advantages of this:

1. The hotel was clean and there were no chores to do.
   
2. We could start and end conversations when we wanted.
   
3. We went to sleep when we wanted and got up when we wanted.
   

Disadvantages

1. X and K reported they had a great time. But when we showed up to get them X started hitting, biting, and kicking Matt. When we got home she really let us have it, throwing things, shouting, more biting and hitting. She later told us she felt very sad and scared when she had to go to sleep in a place where neither of us were, and we did the wrong thing to leave her there. Then she sobbed and sobbed for ages. In retrospect it was too soon for this for her. Last time she had a sleep-over anywhere was 2 nights after Salome was born, and then when she woke up the next morning at her friends' house she was driven to the hospital at 7 am and told her sister was dead.
   
2. I was anxious about X and K's safety overnight. There is no logic to this: X and K were in safer hands with our friends than they would have been with us. I just get a low-level anxiety when the girls aren't with me. So I slept worse in the fancy shmancy hotel than I would have at home. Matt asked me last week what I was anxious about RE the girls, and I said "We live in a world where any of our children can be taken from us at any moment, one way or another. How come you're NOT anxious?"
   
3. It was no break from the grief. We were in a pretty hotel, with dinner out and good wine, but our daughter was still dead. I still watched the sun come up crying, like I would do anywhere else. Same shit, nicer location.
   

On Saturday arvo I suddenly wanted to go to the cemetery to visit where Salome is buried. Matt didn't want to come but he was worried I wouldn't be in a fit state to drive back, so we all went. X told us she didn't want to go, and if she had to she did not want to even look at the grave. Off we drove into the heat. The girls scurried about the graves. I spent the time reining them in and telling them not to touch things on other people's graves. I got no time to sit at Salome's grave. It is a beautiful place. Matt and I felt that Salome really isn't there in any spiritual sense. X and K asked questions about what Salome's body would look like. X wanted to dig the coffin up to have a look.

Sunday, back to church so I can scowl and weep with company. It's not an unpleasant experience all up. I took K with me, and she was happy to tell everyone that her cradle cap is gone.

Mum has come up for a few days, which I think we really needed. Matt has gone to work today and is attempting to work a full day. With Mum here he can pace himself according to his energy levels, and not have to worry about if I'm OK at home alone.

K's Salome-related play has changed again. Last Friday she had her teddies and toys set out in rows and was singing songs. She told us they were having a funeral. It seems that some the major events come out in her play 1 week after they occur. K has had trouble getting to sleep since Salome's death. Since she and X started sharing a room, X has always gone to sleep first and then K up to an hour later. K tells us she feels lonely when X goes to sleep now, and she tries to keep X awake to avoid this. If we separate them K starts crying and saying she is sad because our baby died, and doesn't want to be by herself at night time.

X told me yesterday "I wanted to be the big sister of 2 people. Now I'm only the big sister of one person and it's not fair." A lot more tears from her.

There is a terrible sense of emptiness. The sadness is more transient, and almost a relief when it's present. The emptiness is constant, gnawing, draining.