Monday 26th April: Salome in Wales

This picture was taken by our friend Nick at Oxwich Bay on the Gower Peninsula in South Wales. Our girl is travelling the globe, at least in spirit! Thanks Nick.

I was telling Jane the Counsellor the other day that I am sometimes aghast at the vastness of this grief. The intensity of the grief varies greatly from minute to minute, but even in the less intense moments I'm aware that the grief stretches on and on before us. It's like I find myself in the middle of a red-dirt desert, and it stretches out to the horizon as far as I can see in all directions, with no rabbit proof fence to find my way out.

Jane said that I need to to learn to live in the grief, rather than just living through it. I can't stop my life, do the grief and then start my life again. This is my life now. This is the new normal. I'm going to be in the desert for a while, so it follows that every now and then it is OK to stop trudging, string up a make-do shelter and rest for a bit.

Time to take stock of what I've got in my imaginary backpack out here in the desert. I find I have got some supplies of physical energy, a bit of broader perspective, a more than adequate amount of anger, very few tears left for now, and absolutely no supplies of give-a-shit. Clean out of give-a-shit. None at all.

These are the things I won't be bothering with this week:

• arguing with K about cleaning her teeth;
• holding my tummy in;
• putting on a brave face;
• managing other people's emotional response to Salome's death;
• keeping the house tidy;
• helping X complete the stupid amount of homework assigned to her;
• showing up to social engagements I don't want to go to because I think it will 'be good for me' or because I know if I don't go people will worry;
• making myself stay in social situations which are difficult ie where there is a baby;
• cooking squeaky clean, well-balanced meals;
• instigating major changes in how we manage X's behaviour; and
• chastising myself because X's behaviour has been dreadful over the last 3 weeks.

I will add to this list as more things occur to me. I also think I am becoming more able to talk about events around Salome's death, what happened etc. If anyone's got questions about it, please do ask and in my current mood you can be assured that if i don't want to talk about it I will tell you so!

Some of you might remember a party I went to years ago where I drank far far far too much and kept falling off my thongs. Ah the heady mispent days of youth! I therefore prefer to think I am laughing with this bloke rather than at him:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Au_8GMUxVs