Thursday 15th April: Song lyrics

There is a Robbie Williams song called 'Bodies' that's getting airplay at the moment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=US8cgUq_XBY

It has lyrics in it "Bodies in the Bhodi Tree, Bodies making chemistry, Bodies on my family, Bodies in the way of me, Bodies in the cemetery, and that's the way it's gonna be".

X, K and I went to visit Salome's grave yesterday, and since then X has been singing this song with adapted lyrics, mainly singing that section of the song as 'Bodies in the cemetery, bodies in the cemetery, bodies in the cemetery". If you try singing along with those lyrics you'll see repeating 'Bodies in the cemetery" does work with the rhythm.

I am having a shit week here. Grief like a bulldozer, like the noise of a jet overhead, blocks out everything else. Fucking fucking awful cacophony of feelings, brutal raw sadness, the enormity of the loss contrasted with the smallness of that hole in the ground where Salome lies. I am very sensitive to triggers, such as someone in my face singing about bodies in the cemetery OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

So keen am I to stop this happening that I am teaching X the rest of the lyrics so she doesn't get stuck on that part of the song. That's right: I am teaching my 5 year old daughter to sing 'All we've ever wanted was to look good naked, Hope that someone can take it. God save me rejection from my reflection, I want perfection". If DOCS hears about this I'm done for!

I'm doing a job application for a position in Health that I want to be seconded to. This is not a good week to be attempting a stupid public sector job application, with the 300 words per criteria, and doing research about a clinical area I don't know much about. Oh well, it feels no more pointless than anything else I am doing. I feel exhausted whether I get 8 hours sleep or 4, so I may as well push through tonight and write this application. I'd regret it if I didn't put my hat in the ring for this job. I have tea and chocolate to assist me.

Matt's hit a wall this week as well, and he didn't go in today. I wish his job wasn't so emotionally draining. Now would be a good time for one or both of us to be a mechanic for a living, somthing constructive and lucrative that doesn't involve having to manage other people's distress. We will both be relieved when school holidays are over. X tells me "I want to be where you are and sit on your lap all the time." Will not be persuaded to be in a different room to me for a while. It makes it hard to grieve. If X sees me crying she tells me not to and then tries to make me laugh. She told me yesterday "I don't like it when you cry because then I feel yucky in my tummy and then I want to cry. So stop it." So then I am ducking around the house hiding from X, trying to find 5 mins to have a good cry. But in fact it takes longer than 5 mins. The grief is always there, but to turn around and look it in the face takes time. Time to face it and feel it, and then time to pack it away again and re-engage with everything else.

Last night was particularly hard. Matt isn't bothered by Wedn nights and Saturday mornings, but I am. Last night I was acutely aware of what was transpiring 11 weeks before at that time (7.24 pm birth, resuss commenced, then MET team, then this then that, then 10 pm I got to touch her foot, then prepared for transfer to JHH blah blah blah). Last night shouldn't have been what it was. Last night I should have been tired and pushed for time and the house should have been messy and there should have been nappies around the place and an 11 week old baby crying while we were trying to eat dinner. But no, all was relatively civilised. Where is our Salome? SHE'S STILL FUCKING DEAD!!!!! That she died is one thing to grieve, but now I also grieve that 11 weeks on she is still dead. No logic to it, but as they say 'It is what it is".

As for my faith, I like Robbie's line "Jesus didn't die for you. What are you on?"